Workplaces can be emotionally charged, becoming a source of stress in themselves and causing challenging relationships between managers and teams. This article explores the reasons behind this and provides 3 steps to managing emotions at work.
People aren’t robots…
Yes, I realise this is an obvious statement, but wouldn’t it be so much easier if sometimes, just sometimes, people were a bit less… well, human?
By ‘human’, I mean all the messy stuff. The over-reacting, the emotions… oh, the emotions! That contagion of upset that spreads through a team like wild-fire. The tears, the anger, the angst, the indignation. The list is endless…
And it is contagious. Not just to other team members, but for us as leaders too.
My courses and coaching sessions are often populated by leaders and managers at all levels who are feeling stressed and under pressure about an (often unanticipated) overly-emotional response from a team member to what seemed, in theory at least, to be a reasonable management conversation or request.
This frequently sends all concerned into a spiralling stress response that prevents them from viewing the situation objectively. They find themselves drowning in a world of worst-case scenarios and catastrophising.
Whilst ethically, it’s concerning when we have unhappy team members, it’s also a practical concern, both in the damage to relationships and work performance, but in view of the recent changes with the Employment Rights Act, also potentially risky to the organisation too if this isn’t resolved properly.
And it is contagious. Not just to other team members, but for us as leaders too.
My courses and coaching sessions are often populated by leaders and managers at all levels who are feeling stressed and under pressure about an (often unanticipated) overly-emotional response from a team member to what seemed, in theory at least, to be a reasonable management conversation or request.
This frequently sends all concerned into a spiralling stress response that prevents them from viewing the situation objectively. They find themselves drowning in a world of worst-case scenarios and catastrophising.
Whilst ethically, it’s concerning when we have unhappy team members, it’s also a practical concern, both in the damage to relationships and work performance, but in view of the recent changes with the Employment Rights Act, also potentially risky to the organisation too if this isn’t resolved properly.
That said, it’s important to differentiate between a lack of emotional regulation and a genuine, proportionate emotional response to a stressful situation.
This, along with understanding whether there may be a genuine deeper, underlying mental health issue is, in my experience, what worries many leaders.
You’re not psychiatrists or psychoanalysts after all. You’re trying your best with often limited resources in a frequently pressured environment.
You’re not psychiatrists or psychoanalysts after all. You’re trying your best with often limited resources in a frequently pressured environment.
Why do people become so emotional?
There can be many reasons people have this response, including a conscious or sub-conscious attempt for them to engineer the outcome they would prefer, to a feeling of lack of power or vulnerability. It can just be the shock to the system that comes from an unexpected, or mis-understood message.
When people feel under pressure, rational thinking goes out of the window and the person’s brain goes into survival mode. That’s our stress response, which invokes our fight, flight or freeze behaviour and can send the most rational of us into a tail-spin of emotive reactions.
When people feel under pressure, rational thinking goes out of the window and the person’s brain goes into survival mode. That’s our stress response, which invokes our fight, flight or freeze behaviour and can send the most rational of us into a tail-spin of emotive reactions.
The solution? Take a coaching approach…
This means taking a more objective view of the situation to elicit a positive outcome, but doing this with compassion – remembering there’s another human being on the other end of this.
The best part is, you don’t need to fix or diagnose, to turn into the psychoanalyst. The whole approach is based on healthy, adult, two-way conversations. Working together to find a mutually beneficial solution.
The best part is, you don’t need to fix or diagnose, to turn into the psychoanalyst. The whole approach is based on healthy, adult, two-way conversations. Working together to find a mutually beneficial solution.
Benefits of a coaching approach:
- This is a problem-solving approach that includes the other person where possible.
- This gives the other person their own personal responsibility to hold in finding that solution.
- It helps us and them remember not only that there are two human beings in the room, but above all two adults!
- It helps keep us focused as managers in a practical way, rather than falling victim to our own fight, flight, freeze stress response.
- We’re not reinforcing an actual or potential cycle of behaviour where the person is able to derail any reasonable discussion about areas they may find uncomfortable.
Here are 3 steps to managing emotions at work…
1. Do Your Planning
It’s always tempting to not give out too much information in anticipation the other person will have an adverse emotional reaction. Grabbing the person as soon as they walk into your open-plan office, or sending the news via email rarely works out well. Getting the timing or format of your conversation right can save everyone a world of pain and breaks that self-fulfilling cycle.
2. Name What’s In The Room
Or in the ‘Catchphrase’ TV show tradition, ‘Say what you see‘. This isn’t in a ‘warts and all’ unkind way – We should never forget we’re dealing with people, not robots – but in the way of:
It’s always tempting to not give out too much information in anticipation the other person will have an adverse emotional reaction. Grabbing the person as soon as they walk into your open-plan office, or sending the news via email rarely works out well. Getting the timing or format of your conversation right can save everyone a world of pain and breaks that self-fulfilling cycle.
2. Name What’s In The Room
Or in the ‘Catchphrase’ TV show tradition, ‘Say what you see‘. This isn’t in a ‘warts and all’ unkind way – We should never forget we’re dealing with people, not robots – but in the way of:
- ‘I can see you’re feeling upset by this situation.’ Or,
- ‘It looks like this has taken you by surprise.’
This means we don’t find ourselves skirting around the humungous elephant in the room, pretending everything’s fine and ploughing on as if nothing is happening. You know, ‘Awkwaaard‘….
3. Follow Up With Coaching Questions
This is the key to dealing with those awkward moments. Once we’ve named what we see, we can hand this over to the other person to give their perspective and start to engage.
This is a very powerful approach and can be difficult and unexpected for some people who are used to a less authentic way of engaging. Ultimately, it allows us as managers to clearly set the scene of what we expect and also takes away the pressure (or guilt) we may feel that we’ve ‘upset’ the person and it’s our responsibility to ensure they’re happy at all costs.
3. Follow Up With Coaching Questions
This is the key to dealing with those awkward moments. Once we’ve named what we see, we can hand this over to the other person to give their perspective and start to engage.
This is a very powerful approach and can be difficult and unexpected for some people who are used to a less authentic way of engaging. Ultimately, it allows us as managers to clearly set the scene of what we expect and also takes away the pressure (or guilt) we may feel that we’ve ‘upset’ the person and it’s our responsibility to ensure they’re happy at all costs.
How does this work in practice?
Here’s an example of a coaching conversation.
Manager:
‘I can see you’re upset about the feedback I’ve just given…’ [Naming what’s in the room.]
‘Can you tell me what it is about what I’ve said that’s caused you to be upset?’ [Coaching Question.]
or…
‘What do you suggest needs to happen to resolve this?’ [Coaching Question.]
This approach can seem strange at first, but my clients see surprisingly rapid shifts in engagement from their teams when they start to use this. As you can see, this doesn’t have to be a protracted conversation. Using this approach consistently invariably builds trust and an expectation for open engagement and that has to be a positive thing – for everyone.
Manager:
‘I can see you’re upset about the feedback I’ve just given…’ [Naming what’s in the room.]
‘Can you tell me what it is about what I’ve said that’s caused you to be upset?’ [Coaching Question.]
or…
‘What do you suggest needs to happen to resolve this?’ [Coaching Question.]
This approach can seem strange at first, but my clients see surprisingly rapid shifts in engagement from their teams when they start to use this. As you can see, this doesn’t have to be a protracted conversation. Using this approach consistently invariably builds trust and an expectation for open engagement and that has to be a positive thing – for everyone.
If you’re interested in finding out more about how to manage conversations in the workplace, check out the links below for our Effective People Management and in-house training options…
Coaching and Training at BrightBird
At BrightBird, our coaching and training is practical and very human.
It’s about real conversations, real challenges and meaningful progress.
If you’re curious about our coaching and training support, even if you’re not sure what you’re quite looking for yet, then check out the support we offer your sector, or click the link to book an informal, no-obligation chat.
If you’re curious about our coaching and training support, even if you’re not sure what you’re quite looking for yet, then check out the support we offer your sector, or click the link to book an informal, no-obligation chat.
