There’s a pervading myth that in order to effectively tackle difficult conversations, we have to take on the role of the ‘Bad Guy’ and that’s not ‘nice’ or ‘kind’. It’s time to explore a different mindset…
“I don’t want to be mean…”
This is a phrase I hear regularly from new or potential clients in every sector. The belief that being effective in a leadership role means either having to choose between being Snow White or Darth Vader.
If we’re not ‘kind’ or ‘nice’, then we’re ‘mean’ and ‘hard’.
No wonder so many leaders find people management so stressful. That’s a heck of a tightrope to walk.
I take a different view. One that’s nothing to do with ‘nice’ or ‘nasty’. Brace yourself though, because it’s a bit radical and out there…
It’s about leaders being effective.
Yep, who would have thought. That leaders are going to do their job by being reasonable adult human beings, working with other reasonable adult human beings, so they can do their job too.
No wonder so many leaders find people management so stressful. That’s a heck of a tightrope to walk.
I take a different view. One that’s nothing to do with ‘nice’ or ‘nasty’. Brace yourself though, because it’s a bit radical and out there…
It’s about leaders being effective.
Yep, who would have thought. That leaders are going to do their job by being reasonable adult human beings, working with other reasonable adult human beings, so they can do their job too.
Being ‘nice has nothing to do with leadership. Leadership is about many things, including…
- Respect
- Consideration
- Compassion
- Understanding
…but not at the expense of losing sight of the reason people are employed in the first place.
I frequently hear the phrase, ‘The tail is wagging the dog around here.’
This is a sure sign that staff teams have lost sight of what everyone is really there for, or at least leaders have failed to instill and communicate a culture that embeds this in every aspect of the work, no matter what the sector.
I frequently hear the phrase, ‘The tail is wagging the dog around here.’
This is a sure sign that staff teams have lost sight of what everyone is really there for, or at least leaders have failed to instill and communicate a culture that embeds this in every aspect of the work, no matter what the sector.
The manager’s job isn’t to keep everyone happy.
This is often a surprise to participants on my training or coaching programmes. In fact many haven’t even realised this is their subconscious belief until I raise the issue.
The fact is, if this is your belief, subconscious or otherwise, unfortunately you’ve set yourself up for a lifetime of failure and disappointment. It is not in your gift to keep people happy and as most leaders will attest, being ‘kind’ or ‘nice’ doesn’t seem to be very effective when it comes to guaranteeing everyone is going to be happy!
So if not to keep teams happy, what is a manager there for?
It’s to get the job done, plain and simple. No matter what the ‘job’ entails. And of course, that means building an effective and motivated team. It would be naïve to think otherwise. If we want people to work well, to put in the effort, then they need to feel appreciated and motivated by the work.
The fact is, if this is your belief, subconscious or otherwise, unfortunately you’ve set yourself up for a lifetime of failure and disappointment. It is not in your gift to keep people happy and as most leaders will attest, being ‘kind’ or ‘nice’ doesn’t seem to be very effective when it comes to guaranteeing everyone is going to be happy!
So if not to keep teams happy, what is a manager there for?
It’s to get the job done, plain and simple. No matter what the ‘job’ entails. And of course, that means building an effective and motivated team. It would be naïve to think otherwise. If we want people to work well, to put in the effort, then they need to feel appreciated and motivated by the work.
This is why I coach and train my clients in the Authentic Leadership approach.
To be themselves. Their best selves. Their most effective selves.
Which means they have to bring their teams and everyone else along with them.
Is it easy? No! Does it work? Absolutely!
So here are a couple of coaching questions to finish with…
1. Do I have a belief, subconscious or otherwise that it’s my job to keep my team happy?
2 How does this belief affect my behaviour?
3. What do I need to change in my beliefs and behaviour to make being ‘effective’ my goal instead?
Which means they have to bring their teams and everyone else along with them.
Is it easy? No! Does it work? Absolutely!
So here are a couple of coaching questions to finish with…
1. Do I have a belief, subconscious or otherwise that it’s my job to keep my team happy?
2 How does this belief affect my behaviour?
3. What do I need to change in my beliefs and behaviour to make being ‘effective’ my goal instead?
If you’d like to build confidence in managing difficult conversations in your leadership role, check out the links below for your sector and find out more about our on-demand and in-house Managing Difficult Conversations training courses…
Coaching and Training at BrightBird
At BrightBird, our coaching and training is practical and very human.
It’s about real conversations, real challenges and meaningful progress.
If you’re curious about our coaching and training support, even if you’re not sure what you’re quite looking for yet, then check out the support we offer your sector, or click the link to book an informal, no-obligation chat.
If you’re curious about our coaching and training support, even if you’re not sure what you’re quite looking for yet, then check out the support we offer your sector, or click the link to book an informal, no-obligation chat.
