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Tips to Make Difficult Conversations Easier

Tips to Make Difficult Conversations Easier...

by Karen Amos

I’ve been thinking a lot about the Difficult Conversations and Leadership training I deliver – particularly how people’s language and mindset affect their success. The usual expectation for this type of training is that if only we could learn a nifty phrase or approach, then we’d smash every difficult conversation, or be that amazing, inspirational leader.

Having an ethical business, I have to be honest and say, unfortunately there’s no such thing.

BUT… Don’t despair!

By being more conscious of our language and mindset through a coaching approach, we can instantly change a ‘difficult conversation’ to… just a ‘conversation’.

How much positive impact would that have on your life, both at work and personally? You need to speak to someone about something and you do. No worry, no dread, no hysterics - and no stress!

Here’s how it works. Let’s take the words ‘Difficult Conversation’. By using the word ‘difficult’, we have already set an expectation – that it’s going to be difficult/problematic/tough/upsetting, etc. This means we approach the situation from a negative or defensive standpoint from the start.

We frequently use the same type of language about people. They’re ‘difficult’, ‘awkward’, ‘a nightmare’ and on it goes. I’m sure you can see how this can taint our approach from the outset and set us on the wrong trajectory.

Now don’t get me wrong – I’m certainly not suggesting that we can magically transform people’s behaviour and attitudes just by changing a word, but you’d be surprised at the difference it can make.

Here are some coaching questions to get you thinking about your own mindset on these issues…

What is it about this conversation that I see as difficult?
What’s my evidence this is correct? Or is this assumption or fear on my part? (NB: there may be objective evidence and you should certainly act on this.)
What would I need to think and feel differently in order to see this situation or person in neutral, or even positive terms? (e.g. If we’ve labelled someone as ‘difficult’, could we perhaps see they’re ‘anxious’, or ‘disliking uncertainty’? Or that we’re ‘helping to solve a problem’?)
What would I lose or risk by changing my current thinking or beliefs about the situation or person?
What could I gain from describing the situation or person in more neutral or positive terms?

If you’d like to develop People Management or Difficult Conversations skills for yourself or your team, check out our latest Autumn training offers below. If you’ve any questions, or would like to discuss alternatives, do get in touch for an informal chat.

Click on the link below to find out more:

For Schools and Education

For Business and Charities

Or why not EMAIL US, or book in an informal chat using the button below. We'll find out about the support you need and provide you with a no-obligation quote.

Karen Amos is an executive coach and Director and Founder of BrightBird Coaching & Training. She supports business owners, managers and education leaders to get the best out of themselves and their teams. She brings a down-to-earth approach to improving working lives through better leadership, communication and working relationships.

Tel: 07714 855757 or email: [email protected][/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]

by Rachel Priestley

Tips to Turn a Coaching Approach into your Leadership Superpower

by Karen Amos

I’ve just finished facilitating BrightBird’s latest Effective People Management programme. As with the previous programmes, participants bring along concerns, anxieties and ‘Is it me…?’ feelings around the challenges of managing people.

Interestingly, there are always common themes. Most people come with a sense of frustration of how they can’t just, ‘Get on with the job,’ and a feeling of, ‘Why is this always so difficult?’

This is usually accompanied by some sense of one step forward and two steps back, or feeling that managing people is like trying to nail jelly to a tree.

As a consequence, I find many managers of all levels feel they end up playing a role, rather than being themselves. And it’s not a role they enjoy. It’s often the role of ‘bad guy’ and whilst they’re prepared to step up and do this, it’s not one most of us would choose given an alternative.

My view is that no-one needs to ‘play’ anything. The ‘bad guy’ scenario inevitably leads us down a one-way street, with all concerned doubling down into increasingly entrenched positions. This is difficult if not impossible to step away from and often results in demotivated teams, or even a brain drain from your organisation.

I genuinely don’t believe working life needs to be so difficult – for managers and employees alike.

That’s why I’m on a mission to improve the quality of working life for everyone.

The problem is, most people in my experience, embark on a management career because they’re great at what they do. I mean, who seriously sets out in their career thinking, ‘I know, I’d love to be the line manager of tons of awkward people!’ Probably the same ones who look up ‘How to herd cats’ on google.

No, the fact is that we usually gain promotion because we’re the expert in our field. The best sales-person, the best teacher, etc., etc. The problem is, no-one told us how to be managers. Very few people are born with an innate ability to lead other people. But it can be learned.

And this is where a coaching approach becomes a bit of a superpower in my experience. I’ve used this approach personally and seen my clients implement this with fantastic results. It’s definitely an approach that sees compound benefits, with exponential growth in performance over a relatively short period of time. On the surface, it’s counterintuitive. Management is about putting the right people in the right place isn’t it? Well, yes… and no. How about seeing successful management as having your people put themselves in the right place?

So where to start? Here are a few tips to improve your coaching leadership style, along with some questions to help build insight into what’s going on for you.

1. Listen – I mean really listen. Listening isn’t about waiting for your turn to speak, or jumping in to close down the other person half way through a sentence.

Ask yourself – How would my peers and team members rate me as a listener?

2. Understand – Only when we’ve listened will we understand the other person’s viewpoint. The challenge is to show them we understand – even when we don’t agree with them!

Ask yourself – How often do I find myself or the other person saying some variation of, ‘Yeah, but…’ in my conversations? (This is a classic sign of a lack of understanding being demonstrated.)

3. Collaborate – It’s not your responsibility as a manager to solve everything on your own. That’s why you have a team and why it’s important to know who is responsible and accountable for what.

Ask yourself – Do I feel I’m carrying a burden of responsibility that other people don’t share in my team and how can I share this more equally?

4. Challenge – There are many types of challenge, but I like to call a coaching approach ‘challenge with a small ‘c’’. This doesn’t mean going out of your way to make people uncomfortable, or being on some kind of power trip. Instead, it means not accepting everything at face value and using coaching questions to explore and promote personal responsibility and accountability.

Ask yourself – Do I feel that members of your team are tying me in knots, or I come out of conversations wondering what just happened? If so, how can I be more enquiring in my conversations to find out more?

5. Problem solve – Coaching at its heart, is a problem-solving approach. You want something better and have a plan on how to get there. This is a gift for any effective manager to get the right results.

Ask yourself – Do my team get bogged down in problems and look to me to solve them, or do they naturally seek solutions themselves? If it’s the former, what can I do to enable them to problem-solve naturally?

Hopefully, you’ve now a few pointers to begin to develop your coaching leadership style.

If you’d like to learn more about how to take a coaching approach to Managing Difficult Conversations and people management, we’ve just launched our Summer 2024 public courses.

Click on the link below to find out more:

For Schools and Education

For Business and Charities

Or why not EMAIL US, or book in an informal chat using the button below. We’ll find out about the support you need and provide you with a no-obligation quote.

Tel: 07714 855757 or email: [email protected]

by Rachel Priestley

Two words that say you have an accountability and responsibility problem – and how to solve it…

by Karen Amos

As I coach, I am trained to listen. I mean REALLY listen. Not just to the narrative, but to those key words from my clients that pop up without thinking, but that tell me so much.

There are two words I hear so often from managers at all levels and when I do, my little coach radar pings into action. (It’s like ‘spidey-sense’ without the cool outfit and wall climbing!)

The two words?

SHOULD and OUGHT

I’m sure you’ve said this – I certainly have and when I’ve done so it’s usually with a sense of exasperation at someone – and invariably due to something they haven’t done right, or at all.

You know how it goes…

‘They’ve been here a year. They OUGHT to be able to do this by now…’

‘This SHOULD be just a simple task – why is it becoming so difficult?’

These sentences are often accompanied by other words such as…

‘It’s obvious…’

‘It’s common sense…’

My late and much-missed friend and mentor used to say, ‘The problem with common sense is it’s not that common!’

What all these phrases tell me as a coach is:

There are some assumptions being made
There is a gap between desired and actual performance
There’s a lack of communication somewhere

So before you descend into full tearing your hair out stage (or your preferred method of manifesting stress and frustration), why not take a coaching approach to find out what’s REALLY going on?

At first glance, this is a counterintuitive approach. Someone is doing something they shouldn’t, so we’re not going to tell them what to do, we’re going to ask questions instead. Huh? Isn't that just letting them off the hook? Just the opposite actually...

Here are a few coaching questions to start you off…

Am I sure the other person knows what is expected of them?
How do I know this – what’s my evidence?
Have I spoken to the person about this? (NB: Dropping in vague or sarcastic hints in the hope they will ‘get it’ and suddenly change their behaviour does not constitute ‘speaking to’ someone.)
Are there clear and consistent standards regarding processes and work across the whole organisation?
Do you know the reason or cause of the problem?

By putting aside our assumptions, we can build on the answers to these questions to set out a clear plan of action moving forward. And the best bit? You can’t lose with this approach. You work with the person to find the solution and if it works, well the job’s a good ‘un as they say round these parts.

And if it doesn’t work? Well you now have evidence to commence formal capability or performance management measures should you need to. At the very least you’ve clearly set out expectations and standards in your own organisation or team.

If you’d like to help yourself or your managers to build accountability and responsibility in your teams, we offer down-to-earth, practical support from online and face-to-face training sessions, to 1-to-1 and team coaching sessions. Check out our training pages using the links below for more information.

For Schools and Education

For Business and Charities

Or why not EMAIL US, or book in an informal chat using the button below. We'll find out about the support you need and provide you with a no-obligation quote.

If you’d like to learn more about how to take a coaching approach to Managing Difficult Conversations and people management, we’ve just launched our Summer 2024 public courses.

Click on the link below to find out more:

For Schools and Education

For Business and Charities

Tel: 07714 855757 or email: [email protected]

by Rachel Priestley

Why it's not normal to be happy - and what you should do instead...

by Karen Amos

I’ve been doing a lot of reading recently – around happiness. Actually, that’s not exactly true – I’ve been reading about how so many of us have drunk the ‘happiness Kool Aid’ and ironically, find ourselves miserable that we’re failing at happiness. As an occasionally grumpy, middle-aged Yorkshire woman, I find this fascinating.

Recent publications, such as Bad Therapy, The Antidote and The Anxious Generation are showing that for many of us, modern living standards have never been better, yet increasing numbers of young people and adults find themselves so unhappy they resort to therapy, including medication. The question surely is, if this is such an effective cure, why are people still unhappy?

Many years ago I was a student nurse. There are many stand outs from my training, good and bad, but one that changed my life was a sentence uttered by a lecturer on Mental Health…

‘The most you can expect is to be reasonably content most of the time.’

That’s it. And it profoundly changed the way I viewed my world and my expectations. To the extent that I am – reasonably content most of the time. So to that lecturer, wherever you are – thank you.

This may seem a bit lack-lustre for a coach, I admit. After all, aren’t we meant to be uber positive and seeking Nirvana-like states of happiness and success? Well some are I guess, but not me. I’m about doing.

Don’t get me wrong, I do believe there is a right time to seek therapy. I refer clients to specialist therapists if I find we’re addressing something that’s out of my area of expertise. In fact, I have sought counselling on occasions at certain points in my life and regularly use psychoanalytical models with my clients to help them make sense of their world.

But there is a danger in rumination. We won’t make ourselves or others resilient to the pressures of life by constantly going over the past and looking inwards.

So what is the answer?

I believe the answer lies in a stoical approach to coaching. This isn’t the ‘British stiff upper lip’ version, but the true version of Stoicism that says…

In life, circumstances will continue to challenge us, but it is within our gift to decide how we will respond to them.

Often coaching is seen as a bit ‘Pollyanna – all in the garden is rosy’, which is why many people (justifiably) call out, ‘toxic positivity’ at the relentless ‘just think positive’ messages. In fact coaching at its best is nothing of the sort. Tony Robbins has a great approach to this. I paraphrase:

Just relying on positive thinking alone is like going into your garden and chanting ‘there are no weeds, there are no weeds’, when your garden’s clearly full of weeds. You need to get in there and pull them out!

We need to accept that life is frequently challenging and bad stuff happens. Rather than passively accepting that, drowning in self-misery, or railing against the universe, we need to roll up our sleeves and deal with it. We need to take action that will serve us well.

My clients know I’m always going to come around to some version of this question…

‘So what are you going to do about it?’

That’s it – you want something to change – go change it! And if it’s not in your control to change it? Then work out what you’ll do to deal with that.

Here are a few coaching questions to get you started:

What’s my main challenge here?
What small, practical action I can take right now that will serve me well?
Is trying to fix this, worth the energy and time?
Is there anything I need to accept isn’t in my control? And what will I do to focus my energies elsewhere?

Remember, we’re all human and it’s important to acknowledge our feelings. If something bad happens, it’s perfectly natural and healthy to feel down, upset or angry. The problem is that simply dwelling on these feelings and responses will not serve us well, or help our situation. It’s therefore in your gift and best interests to start to coach yourself to a better way forward that will.

If you’d like to learn more about how to take a coaching approach to Managing Difficult Conversations and people management, we’ve just launched our Summer 2024 public courses.

Click on the link below to find out more:

For Schools and Education

For Business and Charities

If you would like to find out more about BrightBird’s 1-to-1 and team coaching, check out our web pages using the links below:

For Business

For Education

For Charities

Or why not EMAIL US, or book in an informal chat using the button below. We'll find out about the support you need and provide you with a no-obligation quote.

Further reading:

Bad Therapy: Why the Kids Aren't Growing Up - By Abigail Shrier. Publisher: Sentinel

The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness - By Jonathon Haidt. Publisher: ‎Allen Lane

The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking - By Oliver Burkeman. Publisher: Vintage

Happy: Why More or Less Everything Is Absolutely Fine - By Derren Brown. Publisher: Corgi

Tel: 07714 855757 or email: [email protected]

by Rachel Priestley

Difficult Conversations: Why you should ditch the praise sandwich...

Why you should ditch the praise sandwich – And what you should do instead…

by Karen Amos

Every time I run a Managing Difficult Conversations training course, I have at least one delegate who advocates using the ‘Praise Sandwich’ as a structure for their conversation or feedback. I can understand why and I’ll come onto that in a moment, but first a quick explanation of what this is for those who have never heard of it.

The praise sandwich is an approach to giving feedback that starts with something positive, then adds the negative feedback, followed up by something positive to close. There is another school of thought that calls this a **** sandwich, for obvious reasons, but let's stick with the 'praise' version to save our sensibilities!

So let's look at why we use it - then we can look at why we shouldn't in a moment.

There are several reasons why the praise sandwich seems attractive to the feedback-giver. One of the main ones though, is that that we erroneously see this as ‘kind’. I mean, think about it – of course it’s kind. We’re saving the person’s feelings by telling them all the great stuff they do and leaving them on a high – fully motivated to go back to work. And we can breath a sigh of relief and tell ourselves, 'That went well...'.

Except…

OK, rather an extreme example, but the effect is the same – the message will be either lost, or misinterpreted. You’ll come across as either dishonest and manipulative, or you won’t get the change you wanted in the first place.

Years ago I had a manager who used this approach all the time. I had no idea whether I was doing a great job, or whether I was on the verge of being sacked!

So what should we do instead?

Surely, if we don’t fluff up the message at the end with something positive, we’ve a demotivated, or even irate member of staff on our hands?

Actually, I don’t believe that needs to be the case. We just need to say what we need to say - but the key is to say it well.

I like to call this the 4 C's:

Courage - Having the backbone to deal with situations instead of burying our head in the sand and hoping it will go away
Clarity - Saying what you have to say, getting to the point and not fluffing up the message
Compassion - In our haste to deliver the message, it's sometimes easy to forget there's another person on the other end of this conversation, so let's treat people as we would like to be treated ourselves
Collaboration - Working 'with' rather than doing 'to'. This coaching approach is a sure fire way to build commitment and achieve positive outcomes

So hopefully you can see that by using a coaching approach to give feedback and have those ‘difficult conversations’ we build commitment, accountability and personal responsibility. It’s supportive, but definitely not 'fluffy bunny'.

So here’s a quick coaching question to finish off…

What are you most worried about when having a ‘difficult conversation’ with your team and what effect does this have on your approach?

If you’re interested in learning tips, tools and how to take a coaching approach for better ‘difficult conversations’, check out our latest live, interactive online training workshops.

Click on the link below to find out more:

For Schools and Education

For Business and Charities

Or why not EMAIL US, or book in an informal chat using the button below. We'll find out about the support you need and provide you with a no-obligation quote.

Tel: 07714 855757 or email: [email protected]

by Rachel Priestley

5 Questions to Find the Silver Bullet to Great Leadership...

by Karen Amos

I bring you leadership bad news and good news... and 5 coaching questions to help you find the silver bullet to great leadership.

I had an interesting conversation with a client recently about people’s expectations of leadership. She said many upcoming and existing leaders in her teams are looking for that ‘Silver Bullet’ that solves all their leadership problems. Funnily enough, this cropped up again a few days later with another business contact.

The fact is, anyone who is interested in personal and professional development will find themselves inundated with book suggestions and social media posts on how ‘this one thing’ will ‘transform’ your professional life/leadership style/financial situation… blah, blah, blah…

Do I sound a bit cynical? Well I am. I don’t want to throw shade on other people’s work and indeed I am an avid collector and reader of said books and posts. I love learning. But here’s the kicker – learning isn’t doing.

And how easy is it to collect these books and blogs and not only never read them, but certainly not put them into practice? I had a friend who had every self-help book known to woman-kind on her shelves. Yet, she couldn’t understand why she had so many, but wasn’t rich/thin/motivated/calm [delete as appropriate].

The reason was simple. She’d read the first chapter on each one, found she actually had to change something for this to work and moved onto the next new thing.

So let’s get the bad news over with… There is no single ‘Silver Bullet’ to good leadership.

There. Wasn’t so bad was it? Perhaps a little disappointing, but I’m sure you knew already that any small hopes you had of any easy fix weren’t rooted in reality, didn’t you?

The fact is, leadership and people management in particular, is tough. It’s messy, gnarly, emotive and I think (please tell me this isn’t just me), all the more fascinating for it.

So what’s the good news? After all, I did promise some…

Well here it is...

You already have everything you need to be an amazing leader of people.

You don’t need a silver bullet because you have YOU!

You just need the courage and some small skills and techniques to put that into place. No gimmicks, no quick fixes, just good, honest person-centredness, a sound ethical base and an eye on what’s really important.

That’s why I love Bill George’s Authentic Leadership approach. It’s about being yourself, not some parody of a top ‘business guru’, ending up being a caricature like The Office’s David Brent.

So where to start? How do you cut through all the information out there and know what you don’t know?

Here are five coaching questions to get you started…

What kind of leader or manager do I aspire to be?
Which people in my past would I like to emulate? What was so great about them?
What am I most afraid of when it comes to managing people and leadership? (Be honest here – this exercise is for your eyes only.)
Who do I know who deals with this issue well? What do they do that I can put into place?
What one step can I take right now that will help me overcome this barrier?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this and remember, you can contact us any time for an informal chat, even if it’s just for a listening ear!

If you’d like to learn more about how to take a coaching approach to Managing Difficult Conversations and people management, we’ve just launched our Summer 2024 public courses.

Click on the link below to find out more:

For Schools and Education

For Business and Charities

Or why not EMAIL US, or book in an informal chat using the button below. We'll find out about the support you need and provide you with a no-obligation quote.

Tel: 07714 855757 or email: [email protected]

by Rachel Priestley

How courageous is your leadership?

We have never needed courageous leaders more...

by Karen Amos

Leadership is all over the news. Firstly there's the Post Office scandal. Much of this will be new to many people, but the fact is, this is far from a new issue. I was first aware of it around 2010, as an acquaintance was one of the Post Masters in question. He ended up taking out a huge loan to patch up a financial hole, not of his making, or risk prosecution and lose the family business. The impact was devastating on his physical, mental and financial wellbeing. The situation was picked up and consistently reported on by media outlets such as Private Eye, Radio 4 and Panorama, but still no meaningful movement from either the Post Office, or indeed the government, despite them being well aware of this. People jailed, made bankrupt, family breakups and suicides. Still no-one stepped forward. Finally, a mainstream broadcaster ITV, created prime-time drama series and the government eventually commits to action.

Same with the ongoing situation with Ofsted inspections. It wasn't until the tragic death of Ruth Perry following her school's downgrading following an Ofsted inspection that a light was cast on what teachers, leadership teams and particularly Head Teachers have known for years - the process isn't fit for purpose. Untold stress and suffering within schools in the name of raising standards. Teachers and Heads reconciling themselves with feeling sick every week as an inspection was imminent and careers being wrecked, not to mention the toll on mental health. As with the Post Office scandal, this isn't 'just' the ruining of lives and livelihoods - people died.

So what's the cause of the problem? Tech? Comms? Process?

No, the cause lies with with leadership - specifically, cowardly, dishonest, unethical and self-serving leadership, which in truth is no leadership at all.

There are the leaders who focus on process, making sure everything can be monitored and that systems are in place. Those setting out the ‘business as usual’ mantra, when life is anything but. The leaders that force the perpetual direction of travel that involves people being asked to do more and more with fewer and fewer resources until those people break. Those priding themselves on being ‘decisive’, whilst never once pausing to look back and check where everyone else is on this journey. And if anyone’s lagging behind? - well, they need to get their backside in gear and quick. And finally, those leaders and business owners who seek to exploit the system, state, or people in order to make a quick buck.

Then there are inspirational leaders out there who ‘do the right thing’ by looking after their teams, clients and communities. These are the people who 'bend’ the rules where need be, provide reassurance and are understanding and empathetic to the needs of others. The leaders who understand the impact on those going through huge daily challenges such as the cost of living crisis and balancing home and work with pressures on childcare for example.

I believe we need strong, ethical leadership now more than ever and Authentic Leadership sets out the blueprint for this. The need for courage, vision, compassion and a strong set of ethical values. Above all, the ability to put these into positive action. As I’ve said before, Authentic Leadership isn’t, ‘Take me as you find me – warts and all.’ Anyone trying to lead a team with that attitude is, quite rightly, destined for failure. And it's certainly not 'fluffy bunny'. No, Authentic Leadership is the toughest thing you will ever do. It means having the courage to do what’s needed and the heart to do what’s right.

Here are a few coaching questions to get you started on checking how courageous your leadership style is...

What do I stand for as a leader? What are my 'lines in the sand' I will never cross?
Am I ever guilty of not following my own principles and ethics - and what causes this?
How will I know when I'm 'doing the right thing'?
What are the signs I may not be acting courageously as a leader - seen in myself and others? What impact does this have on me?
What one thing could I put into place today that would ensure I was doing the right thing by others?

If you’d like to learn more about how to take a coaching approach to Managing Difficult Conversations and Effective People Management, we’ve just launched our Summer 2024 public courses.

Click on the link below to find out more:

For Schools and Education

For Business and Charities

Or why not EMAIL US, or book in an informal chat using the button below. We'll find out about the support you need and provide you with a no-obligation quote.

Tel: 07714 855757 or email: [email protected]

by Rachel Priestley

3 Reasons Everyone Needs a Coach

By Karen Amos

As Bill Gates said… ‘Everyone needs a coach.’ And who am I to argue? I mean, the lad’s done OK for himself hasn’t he?

As a coach, I’m often asked, ‘Do you have a coach?’ The answer is, ‘Yes, I have several coaches.’

I have coaches for various aspects of my life and work, depending on what I need. For example, I have a long-standing coach supervisor who supports and challenges me to improve my own practice as a coach. I’ve also had business and personal coaches at critical points.

I’m writing this blog, as I had a realisation this morning I needed more coaching. This time it’s for physical fitness. Some of you may know I had a hip replacement in the spring. It was successful and I’m now getting my life and mental wellbeing back, being able to walk up my beloved mountains and get the space, peace and exercise I so need. (Even though I do spend a disproportionate amount of time asking myself what on earth I was thinking, when finding myself on a steep slope in the pouring rain!)

So back to my fitness coaching. Most people understandably assume that as a coach myself I’m hyper-motivated all the time and know all the nifty coaching techniques to successfully coach myself to whatever goal I choose. Which is kind of true, but here’s the problem – I’m only human.

That being human means that sometimes I can be a bit defeatist and even, dare I say it, a bit lazy. Yep, let’s face it, we all have our excuses ready from time to time don’t we?

To quote another famous sleb, ‘You can have what you want, or you can have your excuses.’ That one’s from good old Arnie and again, he seems to have done OK for himself too!

“YOU CAN HAVE WHAT YOU WANT OR YOU CAN HAVE YOUR EXCUSES”

So, with all that in mind, I’ve called my gym coach to discuss returning to paying her to allow me to complain, swear and turn into a sweaty mess for a couple of hours a week – otherwise known as gym classes.

Now, I have all the equipment at home and knowledge of training routines to crack on and get my fitness up to scratch again, so why don’t I just do that? Well, the same reasons I would recommend a coach for anyone at work, applies to me too.

1. Challenge

Your coach, whether that’s a leadership, fitness, business or any other type of coach, will push you out of your comfort zone. That ‘un-comfort’ zone is where the change that needs to happen, does happen.

Let’s stick with fitness as an example – you start off with great intentions, but within a very short space of time, you revert back to what’s comfortable. That’s just human nature – it’s how we’re wired – but to get meaningful change we have to enlist someone who’s going to challenge us. This is vital, whether that’s to do that extra set of reps with the weights, or to make that scary decision we’ve been putting off.

The important thing about challenge in coaching is that it’s done with positive intentions and to serve the agenda and goals of the coachee. This isn’t about the coach getting off on how uncomfortable they can make their clients. Any old dictator can do that!

2. Mindset

This goes along with the challenge. A good coach will help you envisage a step-up bigger than you would normally take yourself. They don’t take ‘no’ for an answer and will help you build a positive, can-do, growth mindset, not based on wishful thinking, but on affirmative, tangible action and results.

In short, a good coach helps you get out of your own way.

3. Accountability

Commitment makes or breaks success. Doing something once, however well will not bring you lasting success (even if that one thing is buying a winning lottery ticket. With the wrong mindset, you’ll have blown it in no time). As the US coach Tony Robbins describes, we need to take small, consistent steps to maintain lasting change.

Working with another person is a fantastic way to help build personal accountability. This is particularly true if you’re a senior leader or business owner, or even if you’re doing something for you, such as starting a new fitness programme.

The fact is, stating an intention out loud, particularly to someone whom you respect, means you are much more likely to follow through on your actions. Let’s face it, none of us like to be proved wrong, or wanting do we?

Additionally, paying for this means we feel we have personally invested something. We have skin in the game. It’s an uncomfortable fact, but this is why ‘free’ programmes often fail and have much fewer participants at the end. There’s just not enough investment personally from the participants. Not enough to lose. This way, we’re much more likely to dig deeper – if you’re a born and bred Yorkshire woman like me, you’ll always want to get your money’s worth! This inevitably means better results.

So the question is, how and from whom can you get the right level of challenge, positive mindset and accountability?

Hopefully that’s given you some insights into why all good coaches have coaching. Why not give it a go? After all, think of how much you could gain…

Check out the links below to find out more about our latest coaching-based training courses and programmes. We also offer individual and team coaching on leadership and performance matters.

For schools and education settings

For business and organisations

Or call us: 07714 855757

or click HERE to book in a short, no-obligation chat

Karen Amos is an executive coach and founder of BrightBird Coaching & Training. She supports leaders and managers to get the best out of themselves and their teams. She brings a down-to-earth, practical approach to improving working lives through better leadership, communication and working relationships.

3 Reasons Everyone Needs A Coach

by karena

Wrestling the shark - getting to grips with the unknown...

Wrestling the shark – coaching questions to help you get to grips with the unknown…

By Karen Amos

I’ve just been reading an article about Great White Sharks in Scotland (Spoiler – there are some, but not many, so you’re more likely to die of hypothermia!). As it does, my mind went on a little meander, taking me back to watching the film Jaws for the first time as a kid. I wasn’t old enough to watch it at the cinema, but later watched when it aired on TV in 1981. The rest of my family was out and I remember my Mum asking if I really wanted to watch it on my own. She knew I wasn’t a fan of scary stuff, having been traumatised by the daleks and a pantomime of Beauty and the Beast years before. (I know, it’s not exactly the exorcist, but I’m a horror lightweight OK!)

The article vividly brought back the suspense in the lead up of the film. The tension, anxiety and fear. The glimpses, the terror of the characters and of course, the music. This was going to be horrific – should I be watching it alone?

Then we finally had the reveal and saw the shark in all its terrifying monstrousness… erm, no… I remember laughing out loud. Special effects weren’t exactly enhanced in those days and Steven Spielberg definitely got the hang of it later, but the sight of the obviously latex shark just took the scariness out of everything. From that point on I just buckled in for the ride and enjoyed the rest of the film as a bit of a comedy adventure.

This lead me on another little meander to think about how I use this technique in my coaching to help clients with change. No, I don’t make them swim with great whites (although perhaps there’s a business opportunity in there somewhere…), but the process is the same. Simply, that…

We fear what we can’t see.

Fear is disabling. We’re all familiar with the ‘fight or flight’ adrenaline response to danger, but there’s actually another, less well-quoted response that’s equally as powerful. That’s Freeze.

For this response, think rabbit in the headlights. The rabbit knows the danger is coming and even though it’s naturally built to flee, it just can’t get its muscles to move. We often have the same response in life and the causes and effects can be quite insidious. Usually the cause is nothing so obvious as a shark attack, or a car about to run us over – it’s the stuff lurking in our subconscious. It’s there, we’re largely unaware of it – but it’s controlling our every action, thought, emotion and decision.

This stuff includes fear – particularly fear of failure, or of being judged. Other things can be good old imposter syndrome, or a past negative experience that we subconsciously don’t want to repeat. The problem is that we’re often completely unaware on a conscious level of what’s actually going on and berate ourselves for not driving forward in the way we would like.

My wonderful coach supervisor has a phrase to sum this up perfectly…

‘Let’s identify it – let’s name it – then we can control it.’

If you find yourself procrastinating, or tinkering around the edges of a task or project, this could be the root cause. The fact is that once we name the thing that’s causing the problem, we find, just like with the latex shark, that it no longer has a hold over us. It’s common for my clients, once they’ve named the issue, to quickly and metaphorically roll up their sleeves and crack on with the task at hand as if there never was a problem.

So as usual, here are some coaching questions to break out of the freeze mode and identify and name what’s really going on.

What is it about this task/issue that I find so difficult?
What’s the part I really don’t want to do?
What am I worried may happen if I do this?
What are the risks for me here? (NB: risks can be personal/emotional as well as physical or financial)
Can I relate this situation to something that’s happened to me before?
What would I be embarrassed to admit about my approach to this?
What’s ‘unseen’ or uncertain here?
If there was one thing holding me back, what would it be?

It’s a fact that whilst coaching has a focus on action and goals, often the biggest part of the work is around the reality check of ‘What’s REALLY going on here’. The fears, anxieties and general horrible imaginings that hold us back from getting what we really want. Do remember that these are also questions you can use to help someone else who seems ‘stuck’ too, whether you’re a manager, a colleague, or just a friend.

If you’d like to find out how our 1-to-1 coaching programmes can help you get ‘unstuck’ and move forward this year..

Call us: 07714 855757

or click HERE to book in a short, no-obligation chat

Wrestling the shark - getting to grips with the unknown

by karena

Overwhelmed with work? Treat your to-do list as if you were going on holiday...

By Karen Amos

Is your workload stressing you out right now?

If so, I’d say you’re in good company. So many people are saying they’ve too much to do and not enough time to do it in. On top of this, there’s the added pressure of the summer holidays. Of course, this is doubly significant for those working in education with end of term looming – but it also applies to anyone who has a break booked, but doubts whether they’ll make it in one piece due to the amount tasks they’re facing.

So before we look at what we can do to manage this, let’s do a quick reality check (Magic wands and wishful thinking are very nice, but some things are just fact – albeit slightly uncomfortable ones!).

FACT #1 – There will always be too much work and too many things to do in any given day, week, month, eternity…

FACT #2 – No matter how motivated, or how good your intentions are, you only have a finite amount of energy. (Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you are not a robot!)

FACT #3 – Much of the pressure we feel is artificially created. It comes from other people, or worse still ‘systems’ and cultures, that we leave unquestioned.

FACT #4 – The more tired and stressed you get, the more ineffective and unproductive you become.

OK, so that’s all the doom and gloom stuff, but does that mean we’re all destined for a life of unproductivity and angst? Absolutely not! And the good news is that so much more is in your control than you may believe.

This is why I believe we should take the ‘One week to my holidays’ approach to managing our workload…

So here’s how it usually goes over your last 5 working days:

Day 5 – You’re full of good intentions about how you will clear all those pesky jobs that have lurked on your to-do list all year. That way you can go on holiday with a clear conscience, self-congratulating at all the amazing work you’ve smashed this week…

Day 4 – You’ve tripled the length of said to-do list, but haven’t actually done a single thing, other than fire-fighting more tasks that weren’t even on there.

Day 3 – You realise that half of these tasks will take at least a week each, so decide to put them off until after your holidays (or even next year!).

Day 2 – You’ve ditched 80% of your original tasks and are now prioritising the the things that will cause disaster/mayhem/get you the sack if you don’t do them…

Final working day – You’re ditching tasks from that list with abandon (many of which will never find their way back onto it, even though you were convinced were non-negotiables three days ago). You’re becoming slightly delirious and demob-happy and start doing the bare bones of what’s needed and seem to have forgotten about your perfectionist tendencies after all…

Sound familiar? I know it well!

So if those tasks were so important in the first place, why do some become more negotiable/optional the more time-pressures exert themselves?

Usually it’s because they actually weren’t so important. They were wishes, they were unplanned and they were good intentions (and we all know what the road to hell is paved with…).

That’s why we should be grateful for that last-minute panic before our holidays. It helps us shine a light on what’s really important and also what our day is actually filled with.

Here are some coaching questions to help you see your workload in a new light:

1. Realistically, how long will these tasks take me with no distractions?

2. What would I advise the people I line manage if they presented me with this to-do list?

3. What needs to change in order to achieve the more strategic stuff, or the things that will make a difference?

4. What 3 things can I put in place quickly and easily to cut out distractions and fire-fighting?

5. Who are the key people around me who can help me with this?

Hopefully, you’re now able to give yourself permission to take a fresh view of that never-ending to-do list and have a wonderful, restorative holiday!

If you’d like to find out more about our training courses and programmes on time-management, work-life balance and wellbeing please get in touch. We also offer individual and team coaching on leadership and performance matters.

Call us: 07714 855757

or click HERE to book in a short, no-obligation chat

by karena

leadership in education

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“YOU CAN HAVE WHAT YOU WANT OR YOU CAN HAVE YOUR EXCUSES”

1. Challenge

2. Mindset

3. Accountability

3 Reasons Everyone Needs A Coach

Wrestling the shark – coaching questions to help you get to grips with the unknown…

We fear what we can’t see.

‘Let’s identify it – let’s name it – then we can control it.’

Wrestling the shark - getting to grips with the unknown

Overwhelmed with work? Treat your to-do list as if you were going on holiday...

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