How to balance support and challenge in difficult conversations…

by Karen Amos

An evergreen in my work is support for my clients around those dreaded difficult conversations.  Whether it’s with staff, colleagues, clients, service-users (or just about anyone really), the mere thought of having to tackle tricky issues can cause huge stress all round. In my experience, much of that is completely avoidable.

One of the big worries people understandably have, is how to tackle a difficult issue and still retain a good working relationship with that person. Whilst it’s easy to let our inner chimp run wild and tell ourselves we don’t care, there are many pragmatic, if not humanistic reasons why we should take steps to retain good relations.

Here are a few:
•   We need to retain and motivate good staff
•   We need to keep open communications with customers, clients, funders and all other stakeholders
•   We need to be seen as accessible, so people will still come to us if they’re experiencing problems

The worry about these issues – and not forgetting our visceral fears that someone may be upset at us – means we avoid holding these conversations. Or if the conversation is unavoidable, we end up downplaying the message.

This leaves us in a worse place than before, with a lack of trust and general misunderstanding, not to mention instilling a sense of injustice or resentment in our teams.

So what to do? Do we just crack on and ‘Say it as it is’?

Well, I’m a pretty straight-talking Yorkshire woman, but that’s not the approach I take.  Certainly not in the ‘take me as you find me – warts and all’ approach I hear so often.

I’ve found the best balance around managing conversations. It comes from taking a coaching approach, of balancing ask and tell and also support and challenge. Here’s a phrase I absolutely love that I think encapsulates this and balances the two perfectly…

Having conversations with BACKBONE and HEART

Having the BACKBONE to say what needs to be said, clearly and concisely, BUT…
Having the HEART, the compassion and consideration, to remember there’s another human being with their own feelings on the other side of the conversation.

So here’s a coaching question to be going on with:

On a scale of 1 – 10, how much courage do I have when it comes to difficult conversations and using the same scale, how well do I balance that with consideration and compassion?

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Karen Amos is an executive coach and Director and Founder of BrightBird Coaching & Training. She supports business owners, managers and education leaders to get the best out of themselves and their teams. She brings a down-to-earth approach to improving working lives through better leadership, communication and working relationships. 

Tel: 07714 855757 or email: [email protected][/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]